Friday, January 8, 2010

Epiphanies

Oh they are wonderful things. You just know that God is giving you this message, making things clear in your mind. Especially when you know that it isn’t something you ever would have concluded on your own. When it is so beyond your usual train of thought you know his hand was in there.

After my post the other day I stayed up late into the night, trying to relax, calm my mind, and hopefully get a good night’s sleep. In the process I had one of those God given epiphanies. Let me explain:

When I was 13 I decided I wanted to run a store. I did NOT want to get married and especially did want to have kids, I just wanted a store. As time passed I met Nick, I grew and changed, the store idea grew and slowly changed but never disappeared. Blu was born. The store idea still grew and changed, and I was dedicated to it. It has been my dream for so long, I’m not giving it up, was a common thought to me. BUT I realized two nights ago that the stress in my life comes from not letting go of that dream.

I realized that everything making me unhappy was in some way tied to the store. To have this type of store I need this kind of life, with this kind of stuff, with this style of house. It made it impossible to be happy with enough. I felt as though to lead that life, to be a lower level next Martha Stewart, THIS was what I needed. I HAD to have this item or that house. The inner torment of my house vs what I wanted had such a hold on me. My house, complete with two year old and tons of home preschool stuff, simply can not look like the homes in design magazines. I can either choose the life I want for Blu or the life I wanted for myself before I even wanted Blu, but I cannot have both.  The feeling I had of constant tearing in two directions was truly affecting every aspect of my life.

I was basing every decision on how to make my store work. How many kids I wanted was chosen based on how long it would take to open my store. I was trying to design my house based on design magazines (because to have my store you have to be trendy) and not actual life.  I could not succeed in anything because of the tearing between two lives. The want of something I do not have, and the love of something I do.

So my epiphany? Give it up. Just because my store is a good idea does not mean I HAVE to do it. In the grand scheme it was just a childhood dream, a very good one but still. Sometimes you have to give up the plan for the more unplanned. As life twists and turns you sometimes need to release things you’ve held onto. Sometimes you have to drop that rock from down the path when you come to the fork in the road.

Does it make me feel like a self-sacrificing mom? Giving up my dream for my family. Surprisingly, no.  I was self-sacrificing when I was tearing myself constantly between the two. When I could find no joy because of the two extremes tearing me THAT was self-sacrificing.  Does it mean I’m going to become one of those do all dedicated solely to the family type of moms? Ummmmm, no. A woman needs some things for herself, for fun, for sanity.

I feel so much clearer now. More relaxed. Blu actually WANTS to do school again. I have a new outlook on my house and my life.

Also, I found a blog that just touched me so much. Within an hour of finding it I read two things that I truly NEEDED to read. Check it out, Mommy Matters.

So stay tuned, my new outlook gives new writing ideas. I hope to just capture real life more. So I’ll be the one NOT writing about stores and design, but the one writing while there are duplos shoved in every corner of the living room.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i needed this, i am an older mom, attorney by training, sahm by choice--and i have been passively resisting (read sabotaging) my new (read 4+ yrs next month) role and didnt realize it until i read this post. thanks.

Mommy Matters said...

Hey! I just wanted to say "hi" and thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm touched that you got something good out of reading it. I always imagine women running for an extra birth control pill when they're done reading one of my posts...lol.