Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Daily Battles

Every day I go through two mental/emotional battles. One is fighting adult A.D.D to actually conquer things that need to be done (I often fail.) Battling the time sucks to actual manage the to-do list. The other is even harder than that. I have two constant battles about what I want to do with my life. WHO do I want to be?

The choices?

The Artist/Designer

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Or

The Teacher

 

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I’m well beyond the age where people tend to decide what they want to do with their lives. My husband and I are trying to actually create more of an income using what I want to do, an at-home-career besides the regular at home stuff.  But the biggest issue is that before we can move forward I have to know what I actually want to do. And every day I have new ideas. (Remember battle one was battling A.D.D?) Today my ideas included items I’d put in our artsy shop AND the idea to start a children’s library. I have a lot of ideas, and they are always under one category or the other.

If you were to ask me what ONE thing would I want to do with my life I would quickly reply “make art and design my life.” To have a name for myself, to dedicate myself, write craft books, design fabrics, to actually have blog readers that look at my blog for awesome crafty inspiration.  BUT really, I’m fairly sure that is a pipe dream, and I’m fairly sure I’m not the only person who has it. Plus I really don’t dedicate myself to it much, because I do think it is not ever going to be a reality.

Often I have reasonable ideas, things like be a doula, start a homeschool magazine, create a library for educational items and books. Things that are achievable, or at least more achievable then being the next Heather Bailey or Anna Maria Horner.

When it comes to art I have the attitude that it is something I WANT to do, and with the kid related educational stuff I have the attitude that SOMEONE should so why NOT ME?

Obviously the art ideas make me feel like I’m grasping for the moon, which will forever be out of reach. But the kid ideas make me wonder if I am trying to underachieve, to do what I think will be easier, and will I still have any interest when my kid isn’t a kid anymore?

What if I spend 20 years doing kid stuff, then Blu is gone off to college (which won’t take 20 years) and I realize “Well, now I want to do design?” At an age when starting over is that much harder.

Every night I go to bed and I pray for a sign, not just more crazy ideas but a true sign. And I seems to see them, for both options. One day I discovered a local teaching store was closing and was for sale, a sign? I think so. It didn’t work out. Then I won a contest to open my artsy/funky store. A sign? I think so. But that didn’t work out either. I also go to bed envious. I envy those people who just KNOW what they want to do with their lives, and then actually do it.

One week I post on my blog about homeschool ideas, what we’re doing etc. Then the next I have to fight the urge to take fashion photos of my weird outfits, and share digital things I design.  I read about how to get a good blog, with lots of readers, you need to find your niche. How can I find a blog niche when I can’t even decide if I should make purses or sell pencils?

And it all just leaves me wondering. How do you KNOW? How does anyone know? Know what to do? Know what is really a sign? How do you KNOW??

 

(Both photos from Open Photo. They are not mine.)

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